A Personal Reflection on Marriage & Liberation

In 2012, Minnesota become the first state in the nation to defeat an anti-gay marriage bill – a massive campaign and a watershed victory, won in large part by progressive religious folks having one-to-one conversations about their values with tens of thousands of people across the state. When Karen and I moved to Minneapolis in 2014, however, the new availability of marriage to queer folks meant that if we didn’t choose to get legally married, I (and our soon-to-be-born second child) couldn’t access health coverage through my partner’s job, along with many other legal protections and benefits available only through state-sanctioned marriage.  

Photo of the author, Rev. Ashley Horan (left) with Justice of the Peace (center) and Ashley’s spouse Karen Hutt (right).

Karen and I were clear that our covenant was between ourselves and the Holy – not the State. We would not have chosen to participate in the institution of legal marriage if we felt like we had a choice. While it was wildly unfair that the benefits conferred upon married people weren’t available to so many of our beloveds for an array of reasons, we also knew that refusing to protect ourselves and our children on pure principle would not bend the arc toward justice. So, on a lunch break on a November Tuesday, when I was 37 weeks pregnant, we had a perfunctory wedding in front of a judge at the Minneapolis courthouse and signed the paperwork making our union legitimate in the eyes of the law. 

The following summer, infant child in tow, we were at UUA General Assembly the day the Supreme Court announced their decision in Obergefell v. Hodges, making “marriage equality” the law of the land. Unitarian Universalists had been on the frontlines of this issue for years, and the decision was received by the several thousand UUs gathered in the Portland Convention Center with utter jubilation. While I celebrated alongside my siblings in faith – especially the gay and lesbian elders for whom this victory was profoundly significant – I also remember thinking, “What would be possible if Unitarian Universalists gave as much energy, money, and organizing to other struggles for justice as we have for marriage equality?” 

What I feared back then was that we as UUs–like many liberal advocacy groups at that time– would receive the Obergefell decision as an indicator that the work for LGBTQ+ justice was over; that our organizing energy would dissipate, instead of charging forward to organize for protection and rights and safety and freedom for trans people, BIPOC communities, disabled folks, people in a variety of family configurations–everyone who wouldn’t benefit equally from “marriage equality.” 

I’m thankful that since 2015, UU support for LGBTQ+ liberation hasn’t disappeared. We’ve watched the growth of powerful queer and trans leadership within UUism. We’ve deepened our congregational work through the Five Practices of Welcome Renewal program. Congregations and State Action Networks have shown up powerfully at school board meetings and legislatures to fight against laws criminalizing gender-affirming healthcare and teaching about sexuality and gender in schools. Our recent launch of Side With Love’s UPLIFT Action campaign for LGBTQ+, Gender & Reproductive Justice is a testament to what we have built together, and the power of our faithful action to declare that every body is sacred. Given the attacks on queer and trans people occurring everywhere from courtrooms to city council chambers to nightclubs, it’s a good thing we continue to grow our capacity to stay in the struggle for the long haul. 

The Respect for Marriage Act is not a victory for LGBTQ liberation – at best, it is harm reduction for a few that leaves the most vulnerable among us behind. Although the mainstream media continues to note that this is “groundbreaking bipartisan legislation,” lawmakers agreed to profound concessions in order to get the bill passed. In effect, this bill will only ensure that should the Supreme Court overturn Obergefell, state and federal governments will be obligated to recognize existing legal marriages. The bill makes it clear that neither churches nor non-profits (like adoption agencies) will face any consequences for denying the legitimacy of same-sex marriages. And just for good measure, the bill reaffirms that legal marriage is defined as the union between two people, explicitly leaving out poly relationships. As one commentator put it, “They’re throwing us crumbs because they can’t serve us safety and dignity.” 

Frankly, I’m furious we’re still fighting about marriage at all – that we continue to live in a society in which access to basic human rights and freedoms is doled out via an institution that has never been accessible to all people. I’m furious that progressive movements have poured – and will now likely keep pouring – our energy, our resources, our capacity, and our strategy into the struggle for so-called “marriage equality,” which provides safety and access to so few people. And I’m irate that even if we’re able to protect “equal marriage,” we will still have to keep fighting for financial stability, citizenship, healthcare, recognition of familial structures, and more for entire populations of disabled people, undocumented folks, BIPOC communities, poor people, and people whose primary familial relationships happen not to be a romantic relationship between two people. As many noted warriors for queer and trans liberation have noted, marriage will never set us free.

So what comes next? We get very clear that the fight for marriage rights is not the same as the fight for trans and queer liberation. We sharpen our analysis on disability justice, immigration justice, racial justice, gender justice, capitalism, white Christian nationalism – all the systems that prevent so many members of our communities from accessing the safety and stability that marriage purports to offer. We redouble our organizing for a more just immigration system; for universal healthcare; for life-affirming legislation that protects and affirms queer and trans people regardless of who they happen to be in state-sanctioned relationship with. 

To Side With Love means to fight for collective liberation for queer and trans people for the long haul.

In the coming months, we will offer several opportunities to learn, reflect, and take action together. If you haven’t yet, please sign up here to receive updates about our UPLIFT Action campaign for LGBTQ+, Gender, and Reproductive Justice. We’re grateful to be in the struggle with you, beloveds, taking our shifts to get each and every one of us free. 

In faith and solidarity,

Rev. Ashley Horan

Side With Love Organizing Strategy Director